A small, blue toy boat

My dad and his sister were born in Guernsey. When they were small children, and war broke out, some families were evacuated from Guernsey. One grey morning, my dad, John, and his sister, Yvonne, and their mum and dad, climbed aboard a boat heading for England, leaving their sunny island home.

They didn't know it was the boat coming from the hospital 'Isolation Ward', and they had to leave the island because Guernsey was occupied during World War 2. Up to the day they were evacuated, they were healthy, vibrant children who loved running about on the golden Guernsey beaches.

By the time they reached England, both my dad and his sister (aged about 5 and 7) had been infected with Measles.

They both lost their hearing, and were therafter profoundly deaf. They both lost their eyesight progressively during their childhood. Yvonne was unlucky enough to suffer a rarer consequence of measles - "Measles Encephalitis". It damaged her brain in some subtle ways, and she has some mild, 'specific' learning difficulties. Yvonne lost all her speech.

(If you are wondering about having your children vaccinated, remember - lost of eyesight and hearing are COMMON problems in measles, some children receive a brain injury from encephalitis, and some children die).

So John and Yvonne went to school. They learnt Braille. They were both particularly good at maths, and John eventually trained to be a Capstan Lathe Operator - very techy stuff, a "skilled" job. Yvonne learnt to knit complicated patterns from memory, and she still enjoys knitting today.

My dad was the first deafblind man to be trained with a guide dog in the UK. He was told it could not be done. He would not take no for an answer, and he worked so hard. I'm so proud of him for that - and I hope, and I think I do have a little bit of his fire in me.

Eventually he was trained with Kana, a lovely German Shepherd, who I'm told used to sleep beside my pram because she loved me so much. I can remember Kana a little bit, but I was only about 6 or 7 when she died. Having a guide dog gave John his independence. He would go on to have 5 guide dogs... all dad's guide dogs had long, healthy lives, and when they retired, we always kept them as pets.

The year I was born, 1971, long before the Disability Discrimination Act, my dad was made redundant. Although he was a skilled craftsman, he walked miles around Peterborough where we lived, looking for work, but nobody would employ a deafblind man. This is shocking to us, these days, with equal rights and the DDA... but it's true. A young, fit, willing, skilled worker would be turned away because of a disability which didn't have any bearing on his ability to do the job.

So my mum continued to go to work after I was born, she was a social worker for the blind. And dad looked after me at home, he was great. He had all the Beatrix Potter books in Braille and used to read to me. We used to make drums out of pots and pans and record 'demo tapes' of our band. It was all joy and play and laughter: Me and dad were very best friends.

I always spoke to dad and Yvonne using the 'manual alphabet', which when you use it all the time, you shorten it down, and throw in alot of hand-in-hand BSL signs too. I taught myself Braille when I was a bit older, so I could transcribe stuff for dad and Yvonne. You can now get alot of printed stuff in Braille, but mostly, you have to pay!! I'm not joking, it isn't always free!! And often it's been used so many times that the Braille is squashed to hell and illegible.

It's always difficult with dual disabilities. There is technology for blind people which relies on hearing. There is technology for deaf people which relies on vision. When you are deafblind, there is very little in terms of technology which can assist. Actually, just a few weeks before dad died, I had found a manufacturer online who made Braille calculators. I'm not sure how they worked, but I was going to buy dad one for Christmas (2007). He always used an old fashioned abacus for a calculator. As a child, I once asked him how it worked; he explained, but I didn't understand.

When I was 11 dad became ill again with his eyes. Unfortunately, quite often, totally blind eyes will atrophy, the optic nerves are resorbed and the eyes themselves atrophy and become easily infected. Dad developed glaucoma as well. In 1982 dad had to have his first eye removed and was given an artificial eye. It was a relief to him, as it meant no more pain and infection. People always try to hang on to these bad, old eyes for as long as they can - the night dad was taken in to hospital (Compton Eye Hospital), he was swollen and red all over that side of his face, down his neck and his shoulder too - it was that bad. He remembered waking up from the operation with no more pain. It was such a relief.

Several years later the other nasty old eye had to go too, but again, it was a relief to him.

Now, at age 75, his dear sister, Yvonne, is starting to have similar eye problems - nasty infections, one eye is swollen, hot and angry, and the other is atrophied and uncomfortable. We have just spent most of the afternoon in A & E with her. She says it doesn't hurt, but I'm not so sure. Should she have to have them removed, I know she will be very upset. It's a pity dad has gone, and isn't here to reassure her that it's really a good move - and will take away alot of discomfort and soreness. But I will reassure and encourage her myself. I can remember being 11, and visiting my dad in the Eye Hospital (which sadly is now closed down), the night before his first 'enucleation'. He had a big blue cross drawn over one eye. That made me cry - somehow up to then I always hoped dad would somehow miraculously get his eyesight back. When dad came home after that operation, I remember getting my healthy, happy, energetic dad back. Have you ever tried to sleep with a sore eye? You can't: it's exhausting. He was great very quickly after the operation.

But Yvonne will be frightened - I wish so much she didn't have to suffer this. Again, I find myself, some 27 years later, wishing her eyes and vision were ok and that someone I love didn't have this horrible problem.

Part of the sadness about dad's death, was that I felt he had lost part of his life, in losing his vision and hearing at such a young age. Yet I know he would not have agreed with this. It's just - there's such an awful poignance to it, a great, aching sorrow about it.

Once, I asked dad what was the very last thing he remembers seeing. He told me, "I had a small blue toy boat, and I was sitting on the rocks overlooking the sea. I dropped my boat into the sea and I saw it floating away, bobbing out of reach. I was very sad, I loved that boat".

This is one of the most painful images I have ever felt.

I had the same pain again, in December 2007, when I had to tell his sister Yvonne, that her little brother had died. I thought of her watching her little brother running along the beach, getting up to mischief, playing in the sand in the sunshine days of his early childhood, before everything went dark and silent...

When you think of your childhood friends, people whom you have not seen since you were small - in your mind - you don't picture adults, in your mind's eye, they are still little children.

And I thought of the little, dark haired boy running around Yvonne's mind... and part of me wished I had known that little boy, my dad, when he could see.

Yvonne lives in a residential home. She has been there for some time; if she had speech, and without the subtle learning disabilities, she could probably manage in sheltered accommodation. I love her dearly, and she stays with us alot too. I take her out and I talk to her all I can. She is so intelligent in many ways, she is clever with figures, she can read Braille magazines, and of course she is entirely self-caring. She can even manage simple ready-meals in the microwave, and can make toast, tea, etc. But one of her difficulties is she doesn't understand metaphor and things have to be explained literally, bit by bit. If she reads something in her magazine, even a fictional story, she will think it is true, and it can worry her alot. She was very upset the other day, as she had seen in her Braille Boots catalogue bubble bath, aftershave, etc, called 'Diesel'. Not knowing that this is just the name of a perfume for men, she assumed it WAS diesel and she was shocked because she knew this would be "awful and very dangerous, there could be a fire". I had to explain this all simply and carefully so that she wouldn't be worried about it any more. When you are deafblind, can't speak and have these subtle learning disabilities... problems understanding complex verbal concepts... you can end up worrying terribly about things that seem very mundane to us.

I just want her to be happy, and this has been a challenge since dad died. I am doing my best. Where she lives, she goes swimming, horseriding, little holidays to Wales and shopping... she loves shopping!

Since the advent of digital hearing aids, a few years ago, dad and Yvonne's worlds became a little less silent. For anyone who knows a little audiology, if dad wanted to hear something, he would need about 95dB gain. That was he told me once. And even that would not give him enough clarity to discriminate speech - which is the most important thing. I don't know about Yvonne. If I clap my hands hard, she can hear that sometimes. If there is loud music on, she seems to be aware of the beat, but I suspect this might be just the vibration. Because my dad couldn't hear, he never lost his Guernsey accent. It's a very special accent, and when I happen to hear it on TV it stops me in my tracks completely. There is nothing like it. I wish I could hear him talking now... I remember his voice in my head, and I try to piece together, like imaginary tape, in my mind the things he said "I do love you darling", "Hello Squeak!" (Squeak was what always Dad called me)...

I wonder if Yvonne does the same, does she remember his voice? If she does, it will be the bright little voice of a small, dark haired boy running along a golden beach with a small, blue toy boat in his hands.

Back at uni

Feeling brighter now we're back at uni... the modules' content looks really interesting and also progressive, which is pleasing.

Two years....

Two years ago this week, my dear dad woke up with the aneurysm in his leg; two years ago he was taken from his home to a busy, uncaring hospital ward.... where they would mess about with diagnoses and shuffle him from place to place....

Then after surgery he would suffer a hypoxic brain injury - the cruellest injury of all...

For those who don't know - hypoxic brain injury gives you back your loved one - but just for a few weeks... then slowly, mercilessly they are stolen away before your eyes - each day a little less of your beloved friend is there... each day they are new and changed.

And then they die.

And part... most... all of you dies: dies inside...

And you must spend the rest of your life with a hurting, aching wound hollowed out of your chest.

Dog Killer Police MUST be PUNISHED

I've created a Facebook group thingy.... but I don't know how to get more "fans". Please join and pass it on, this is truly dreadful thing:

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FDog-Killer-Police-should-go-to-Prison%2F144707054192&h=54575a84df8f5e23049d921161d07cb4

2 More Weeks

Two more weeks left of the hols. I've done plenty of bank shifts now... think I'll be doing some DIY: hopefully the weather will allow me to clear out the garage.

Dad

It was my birthday today. I had an ok day... but I wish so badly I could hear my Dad's lovely voice say "Happy Birthday darling".

It's days like birthdays, fathers' day, christmas... you realise a broken heart never mends.

A Free Country... for whom??

Not for atheists...

I have just been evangelised walking from my house to my car, just a few steps along the pavement.

Are you a christian?

No.

Are you interested to hear about the love of jesus christ?

No. I used to be a christian so I know about it already, thanks.

Ahhh... did something happen???!!!

(Thinking - mind your own damn business!!!), saying: I am NOT interested thank you.

The person is now standing up against my car door so I can't open it, get in and drive away.

I have to open the door in spite of this young woman standing in my way.

She shuffles sideways as I squeeze into my OWN DAMN CAR!!

Jesus loves you!!! She says, and walks away.

Now then - let's reverse this - if I had stopped someone in the street, asked them if they were an atheist, and were they interested in becoming an atheist, and prying into their personal life... a complete stranger remember (!) that would be 'religious intolerance', and would not be allowed.

I'm really fucking angry about this... She had judged me as imperfect and needing 'forgiveness' and wanted to change my mind about what I believe...

WHY DO THEY THINK THEY HAVE THE RIGHT??!!!!

Words fail me... I wish they would just fuck off and leave the rest of us alone.

Thoughts on general/adult placement...

My placement finished last Sunday.

I had been looking forward to my general placement for a long time, hoping to get in some important clinical skills, and get a fresh appreciation for the work of other types of nursing. Although I am most comfortable with the 'people' side of things, I am interested in anatomy and physiology. Therefore I'd built up a set of learning targets for myself to achieve on this placement. I was .... 'dead keen'.

Week one was terrible. An auxillary was absolutely horrible to me in front of everyone and after the patients even said "well there was no for that, you're doing fine, etc etc". And there were two nurses in particular who began criticising mental health branch students from just 15 minutes after I walked in on my first shift! (More about those two esteemed practitioners later).

I asked to do things and was told "Why do you want to do that? You'll never need to know how to remove a wound drain in your branch".

I was ignored - point blank - when I spoke, and there were more sneers and 'little put downs' than I cared to count.

Although for a while it did knock my self esteem and the confidence I've gained in the last two placements, I made sure I spent my time chatting with the patients, listening to their stories and how they felt things were going. This seems to be where I'm most comfortable.

When my mentor got back from her holiday (week two) she turned out to be really good! WHAT A RELIEF!! I was taking out venflons, wound drains. I did bladder scans, I did some dressings and finally got to do three intramuscular injections! I even had a go at putting a female catheter in. I was even able to spend a day watching operations in theatre, including a total knee replacement! I really enjoyed that, it was truly fascinating!

I haven't said yet, but my husband was on that ward just 2 months ago having the first of two total knee replacements. Of course he was telling them how I'm a student mental health nurse. You can imagine I was gobsmacked to get placed on the same ward!

Now that you know this, I can add that whilst my hubby was in there, he needed an ECG for tachycardia, and while the nurse was putting the ECG on him, with me watching, frantic and curled up inside with worry - this nurse was boasting to me about how "ah well, adult branch is all evidence based, not like mental health, WE have to have a rationale for everything!" Imagine saying that to a wife who was so worried her husband might be starting with a heart attack. Fortunately it wasn't it was just the dreadful heat on the ward causing problems. And he was OK. But what a heartless bitch!!!!

On my penultimate day, I'd just got my paperwork all signed off, my mentor was very pleased with everything, and this other nurse asked how I'd found the placement. Before I could answer ANOTHER nurse (one of the two mentioned earlier) chipped in with "Oh she'll be better on her mental health placement" What 'got' me was that this nurse hadn't worked with me at any time! Yet somehow, she had divined that I hadn't been any good! (Remember, my mentor was really pleased with me! Hold fast that thought). This nasty one was the one who, in the first week, had refused to show me removal of a wound drain. That was the only time I had ever been with her! Notably, on day one, she had quite specifically advised me "I don't know why you're here - it's a waste of time, you're only going to be doing mental health". I let her ramble on: to be honest - I think onlookers were uncomfortable with what she was saying... then I replied that, actually, I had had a positive time and learnt alot, achieving the objectives I had set myself.

Realising she couldn't put me down publically any more, she started banging on about how everyone with mental health issues is "putting it on" just to get free lodgings, and an en suite bathroom!! She added that in her opinion hallucinations are faked just to get said free accommodation.

To me this exposes the sheer ignorance and discrimination that people with MH problems can suffer. Instead of upsetting me, it made me angry and fired me up about WHY I wanted to do mental health in the first place.

I see my role as a MH nurse very much as an advocate.

So in a way, while she was completely awful about MH sufferers, she did me a favour, reminding me of my goal.

I will have to come up against precisely this attitude every day in my MH nursing, when I advocate and fight for what my patients need and to be treated and respected properly. So it's good practice.

It's been a whirlwind few weeks, and a tornado of a year!! I've worked so hard, I got A and A for my essays (though moderation took one essay down to a B). I got A for my exam. I've had no absences at all from either placement or Uni. I passed handwashing and our group simulated scenario thingy.

My Portfolio - for the whole 3 years - I have finished and had signed off.

I've done some modular reading for next year.... but now it is definitely time for a break!!

I've nearly bloody killed meself to pass everything LOL and now have SEVEN WEEKS off! *JOY*

Why I am an Atheist

Because the 'evangelism' has started again... I'm posting this again. I do hope it will suffice this time:

I have been an atheist for just over a year now, and I want to write a little about why this is so precious to me:

Having the privacy of thought denied by religion: a freedom to which all humans are entitled. (Obviously we all DO have privacy of thought, but when you believe in god, you believe he knows what you are thinking - that's biblical, so in practice you might as well NOT have privacy of thought, as you don't believe you do).

Being allowed to follow my own moral code, which, it turns out, is liberal, reciprocal, respectful and humanitarian, proving that humans are basically ‘good’, exposing religion as the primitive agent of social control that it always has been. Having the confidence to appraise and reflect on my own moral actions. What did I do right/wrong? How could I do better next time? Also realising that I have a right not to have to ‘turn the other cheek’. I have a right to be treated properly too!

Not having to make up my mind about certain things, not always knowing whether things are right or wrong – this means having to listen very carefully and consider other people’s needs and opinions. Something religion actively discourages in favour of ‘prayer’.

Not having to pretend I agree. All my life I had to pretend that I had ‘judged’ things as wrong/evil... when I had not. I don't judge people, and I never have - now I can be honest about this.

The worthlessness of prayer. When things are difficult, eg, when my husband was just in hospital for his knee replacement, it was a huge relief to know that his welfare didn’t depend on god’s arbitrary dis/pleasure with my actions, or worse, my thoughts. It was a tremendous relief to depend on solid science and good nursing care, and not to have the whole episode haunted by sycophantic prayer.

The knowledge that if I want a positive outcome, I myself must create this – I must build my own positive outcomes, and realise that we influence other people’s outcomes – by encouragement and helpfulness – we are all knitted together in this way. If I want to do well in an exam, then I must revise and study. There isn’t another way. Realising this directness of influence is intensely liberating: If I fail my exam it will be my own fault and not as a result of being ‘punished’ for some ‘sin’. Therefore the outcome is entirely under my control. And the enormity of this realisation has certainly made me study hard! It will also be more of an achievement, knowing I did it myself!

The realisation that the earth belongs to us, we are responsible for it and therefore we must stop damaging our environment. This is the only ship we have to sail in, at the moment, and we need to make it last! There are other creatures on this planet too, precious, unique creatures that we must take care of, and that includes protecting their environments too.

The realisation that heaven does not exist. This knowledge has quickened me, made me acutely aware of the value of each day of life. Every day, I try to be kind and helpful, I try to foster a positive attitude in all things. When I feel down, I recognise that it will be transitory. When I feel good, I try to make this cheerfulness contagious to others. Above all, I no longer waste time - this is my one and only life!

The realisation that hell does not exist. The fact that this was, by far, the most stubborn root of religion’s hold over me, exposes religion – once again – to be an invisible prison, a mental slavery, from which I am now free. It’s interesting, and very telling, that I do not remember actually being told about hell. I must have been very young. What sort of barbarism teaches little children that they will go to a place and have the flesh burnt from their bones for crimes – sins – that they did not commit themselves... when ‘sin’ is simply a cruel shackle around those tiny, innocent feet. What wicked hands would bind a child in this way? Religion, and only religion.

The above in mind, I want to say a little about the logic which is insurmountable to religion, namely the Epicurean Paradox: the ‘problem of evil’:

1.
God exists

2.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and perfectly good

3.
A perfectly good being would want to prevent all evils.

4.
An omniscient being knows every way in which evils can come into existence.

5.
An omnipotent being who knows every way in which an evil can come into existence has the power to prevent that evil from coming into existence.

6.
A being who knows every way in which an evil can come into existence, who is able to prevent that evil from coming into existence, and who wants to do so, would prevent the existence of that evil.

7.
If there exists an omnipotent, omniscient, and perfectly good being, then no evil exists.

8.
Evil exists. We have a logical contradiction. Therefore there does not exist an omnipotent, omniscient, wholly good being. God is either malevolent, incompetent, or non-existent.

I accompanied my elderly mother to church last christmas. It was the 1st anniversary of my dad’s death. What loving daughter wouldn’t have been there? I haven’t told my mother that I am now an atheist, as this would hurt her greatly. Since there is neither tacit nor overt benefit in telling her, I have chosen to protect her feelings. I watched her go up to the altar alone for communion, a sad sight – I could see my dad beside her in my mind’s eye. I decided to nip up beside her, allow the vicar to ‘bless’ me, as this would be a comfort to her. The vicar didn’t even have the grace to accept my gesture of compassion to my mother, and seized what he thought was an ‘evangelism’ opportunity, by seizing my hand afterwards, in front of my mother announcing “We’ll win you back, don’t worry”.

I decided not to respond, as I know he is just as trapped as I was, in a prison for his mind, and although he feels “christ has set him free” some prisons are only apparent when one is freed. But this is typically reprehensible of christianity – the idea of a divinely given right to judge people as ‘evil’ and ‘needing salvation’.... the need to ‘win’ me back, as though I were a commodity, a currency: how utterly devalued are we by religion.

This has been a summary of what atheism means to me, a freedom that I will not allow anyone to take from me. So don’t even try!

The Valley, Jane Siberry

I live in the hills
You live in the valleys
And all that you know are those blackbirds
You rise every morning
Wondering what in the world will the world bring today
Will it bring you joy or will it take it away
And every step you take is guided by
The love of the light on the land and the blackbird's cry
You will walk in good company
The valley is dark
The burgeoning holding
The stillness obscured by their judging
You walk through the shadows
Uncertain and surely hurting
Deserted by the blackbirds and the staccato of the staff
And though you trust the light towards which you wend your way
Sometimes you feel all that you wanted has been taken away
You will walk in good company
I love the best of you
You love the best of me
Though it is not always easy
Lovely? lovely?
We will walk in good company.

The 'Incident'

Today, first day on my one and only general hospital placement, I had an .... 'incident' with a lucozade bottle. I knocked it off and the lid wasn't on properly... it turned into a spinning bomb all over the floor I dived to grab it and throw it into a nearby washbasin... but slipped on the way... not slipping in any *normal* way, oh no. My right leg slipped forwards forcing me to slide gracefully down onto one knee in a "Marry Me!!!" position right in front of a woman who spoke no English. LMAO... I've hit the cider already LOL. Glad it's a late tomorrow.

Placements

All the best for all of us who are going on placement on Monday!!! Should be good :D

I got a bit upset today

I got a bit tearful at uni today, when I got my B grade for the Holistic essay. I shouldn't have been upset - I was kinda hoping for an A... but a B is great and the main thing is to have passed.

It wasn't really that I was upset about. A big part was that I am still hurting from Father's Day last Sunday. I sometimes wonder if it will ever stop hurting, and sometimes wading through grief is very hard. I have to trust the cliche that time heals.

I've had a few health problems of my own too - which I'm not going to moan about here (or anywhere).

I've also had two people at home to care and do stuff for, instead of just one - and that has been REALLY hard for the last couple of months. I've been so tired. Sometimes my whole body has been screaming out for sleep, but instead I had to do everything for two people. It can't be helped. But sometimes when you are tired, you end up feeling emotional... I think that's what happened today.

Sorry guys for being miserable and negative... I hate this because I always try to be a cheerful positive person who encourages everybody. I failed dismally at that today...

Not much I can do except say sorry to my mates, and try again tomorrow :(

Fathers' Day

My second without you, my dear Dad. I love you so much. How can it be that you are gone?

What Atheism means to me

I have been an atheist for just over a year now, and I want to write a little about why this is so precious to me:

Having the privacy of thought denied by religion: a freedom to which all humans are entitled. (Obviously we all DO have privacy of thought, but when you believe in god, you believe he knows what you are thinking - that's biblical, so in practice you might as well NOT have privacy of thought, as you don't believe you do).

Being allowed to follow my own moral code, which, it turns out, is liberal, reciprocal, respectful and humanitarian, proving that humans are basically ‘good’, exposing religion as the primitive agent of social control that it always has been. Having the confidence to appraise and reflect on my own moral actions. What did I do right/wrong? How could I do better next time? Also realising that I have a right not to have to ‘turn the other cheek’. I have a right to be treated properly too!

Not having to make up my mind about certain things, not always knowing whether things are right or wrong – this means having to listen very carefully and consider other people’s needs and opinions. Something religion actively discourages in favour of ‘prayer’.

Not having to pretend I agree. All my life I had to pretend that I had ‘judged’ things as wrong/evil... when I had not. I don't judge people, and I never have - now I can be honest about this.

The worthlessness of prayer. When things are difficult, eg, when my husband was just in hospital for his knee replacement, it was a huge relief to know that his welfare didn’t depend on god’s arbitrary dis/pleasure with my actions, or worse, my thoughts. It was a tremendous relief to depend on solid science and good nursing care, and not to have the whole episode haunted by sycophantic prayer.

The knowledge that if I want a positive outcome, I myself must create this – I must build my own positive outcomes, and realise that we influence other people’s outcomes – by encouragement and helpfulness – we are all knitted together in this way. If I want to do well in an exam, then I must revise and study. There isn’t another way. Realising this directness of influence is intensely liberating: If I fail my exam it will be my own fault and not as a result of being ‘punished’ for some ‘sin’. Therefore the outcome is entirely under my control. And the enormity of this realisation has certainly made me study hard! It will also be more of an achievement, knowing I did it myself!

The realisation that the earth belongs to us, we are responsible for it and therefore we must stop damaging our environment. This is the only ship we have to sail in, at the moment, and we need to make it last! There are other creatures on this planet too, precious, unique creatures that we must take care of, and that includes protecting their environments too.

The realisation that heaven does not exist. This knowledge has quickened me, made me acutely aware of the value of each day of life. Every day, I try to be kind and helpful, I try to foster a positive attitude in all things. When I feel down, I recognise that it will be transitory. When I feel good, I try to make this cheerfulness contagious to others. Above all, I no longer waste time - this is my one and only life!

The realisation that hell does not exist. The fact that this was, by far, the most stubborn root of religion’s hold over me, exposes religion – once again – to be an invisible prison, a mental slavery, from which I am now free. It’s interesting, and very telling, that I do not remember actually being told about hell. I must have been very young. What sort of barbarism teaches little children that they will go to a place and have the flesh burnt from their bones for crimes – sins – that they did not commit themselves... when ‘sin’ is simply a cruel shackle around those tiny, innocent feet. What wicked hands would bind a child in this way? Religion, and only religion.

The above in mind, I want to say a little about the logic which is insurmountable to religion, namely the Epicurean Paradox: the ‘problem of evil’:

1.
God exists

2.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and perfectly good

3.
A perfectly good being would want to prevent all evils.

4.
An omniscient being knows every way in which evils can come into existence.

5.
An omnipotent being who knows every way in which an evil can come into existence has the power to prevent that evil from coming into existence.

6.
A being who knows every way in which an evil can come into existence, who is able to prevent that evil from coming into existence, and who wants to do so, would prevent the existence of that evil.

7.
If there exists an omnipotent, omniscient, and perfectly good being, then no evil exists.

8.
Evil exists. We have a logical contradiction. Therefore there does not exist an omnipotent, omniscient, wholly good being. God is either malevolent, incompetent, or non-existent.

I accompanied my elderly mother to church last christmas. It was the 1st anniversary of my dad’s death. What loving daughter wouldn’t have been there? I haven’t told my mother that I am now an atheist, as this would hurt her greatly. Since there is neither tacit nor overt benefit in telling her, I have chosen to protect her feelings. I watched her go up to the altar alone for communion, a sad sight – I could see my dad beside her in my mind’s eye. I decided to nip up beside her, allow the vicar to ‘bless’ me, as this would be a comfort to her. The vicar didn’t even have the grace to accept my gesture of compassion to my mother, and seized what he thought was an ‘evangelism’ opportunity, by seizing my hand afterwards, in front of my mother announcing “We’ll win you back, don’t worry”.

I decided not to respond, as I know he is just as trapped as I was, in a prison for his mind, and although he feels “christ has set him free” some prisons are only apparent when one is freed. But this is typically reprehensible of christianity – the idea of a divinely given right to judge people as ‘evil’ and ‘needing salvation’.... the need to ‘win’ me back, as though I were a commodity, a currency: how utterly devalued are we by religion.

This has been a summary of what atheism means to me, a freedom that I will not allow anyone to take from me. So don’t even try!

Expenses-Gate

I have to put in my two-penneth about the scandal over MPs' expenses.

First, I believe those MPs have STOLEN our money, just as surely as if they had rifled through my bag and pinched money from my purse.

THEFT, BY ANY OTHER NAME, SMELLS JUST AS VILE.

They say they have not broken 'the rules'.

Then I say, the rules are wrong.

When then come on television crying poverty, moaning about how upset their families have been over all this, it makes me seethe with rage.

My mother has to pay tax on her tiny pension, and last winter, there was ice on the inside of her windows, while those dispicable fatcats are silently tapping money away from the people who need it most.

All of us, the honest, hardworking proletariat of this land have been ROBBED by this filthy den of thieves.

I despise every one of them.
I hope they drown in their own damn duck ponds.
I hope they choke on their caviar.

They should not underestimate the proles of this country; we will not forgive you for this.

Very relieved and really pleased!!!

My hubby had his operation yesterday. I was in ribbons on the inside, as, because of his sleep apnoea, they had to send him to Critical Care. This is because, although he'd had an epidural instead of a GA, which is MUCH lower risk in sleep apnoea, the morphine he is receiving after the operation is a respiratory suppressant - so for the first night he has needed an extra nurse to make sure he doesn't stop breathing.

Whilst he was in theatre, I spent a little while in the Critical Care visitors' room, with a cup of tea... I felt unexpectedly calm... Yes I had alot of memories and feeling flooding back - all those hours - the long nights I spend sleeping on the chair in there... but those memories didn't hurt as much as I had feared. This means I have begun to heal.

When I went into see my husband - he was in jolly good spirits, and I found I was too. The op had gone well, he was comfortable and sitting up in bed scoffing a tuna sandwich!!

He's being moved to a normal ward later today, and he will be home probably Monday or Tuesday!!

I can't wait to get him home to look after him myself. I'm so glad that rotten old knee has gone now... and the other one will be done later in the year. He's done so well and I'm so proud of him.

Feeling really worried but can't let it show...

Ok my husband is going into hospital 7am (!) this Thursday morning. It's for a total knee replacement as his psoriasis has eaten in and destroyed both his knee (and thumb) joints.

I know this is a really good operation, because it will give him his mobility back - he's been largely wheelchair bound for some time now. He's also had no quality of life and no decent sleep due to pain.

So I should be happy, and I am happy... but I'm also scared. 18 months ago my lovely Dad went into that same hospital for a small leg operation, only to end up spending 6 weeks in Critical Care on life support, then 6 weeks in a dingy, callously short-staffed renal ward, before dying at Christmas.

You know where this is going.... because of what happened to my wonderful Dad, I'm worried something bad will happen to my husband too. I do not like hospitals, and when I qualify as a Mental Health Nurse I have no intention of working in a hospital.

I have to spend the next few days being VERY brave and cheerful on the outside (I'm good at this kind of masquerade)... but I will be so scared on the inside. I've made sure my husband is feeling really positive about everything, I've spent the last few months buoying him up, so he is feeling great about it.

But inside, I keep feeling like I'm sitting, once again, at Dad's bedside in Critical Care, surrounded by IV drips, wires and pipes sticking out of my poor, precious Dad, and that awful, dreadful sound of a machine 'breathing for' him.

Have you ever heard the sound of a machine 'breathing for' someone? It is surely the most awful, consuming, fearful, hopeless sound; this sound turns your loving heart to ice: I will fear that sound for the rest of my days, that dread dagger.

My family don't read this blog. I have had to say this in here, to vent the pressure of this worry... so that I can get through the next few days with a cheerful, positive mask.... for the sake of my sweet husband.

Exam... more

I don't know which subjects to choose in the exam. I've studied all six subjects equally, and I do now have some preferences... such as NOT doing skin & pressure sores - I feel like there are two subjects in there - the science/biology of skin AND the nursing care of pressure sores. Feels like I would have to wear two hats at once to answer that question.

Nutrition & Digestion - there seem to be a plethora of little teeny facts to remember for that one, and I can't... it feels very "chemistry".

Microbiology & Preventing Infection - that's a go'er definitely - the past papers look quite good.

I'll probably end up doing Respiration & Vital Signs.

But for the Mental Health Branch question - here is my quandry.

I feel really confident about Cardiovascular System & Vital Signs - I mean VERY good about that - as I can label everything in the heart from memory - not just the 10 things they will be asking for in the exam, but probably more like 25 to 30 structures in there. I can also visualise how the arteries & veins work - I can see that in a picture in my head, as well as a fully detailed pumping heart (I am a completely VISUAL thinker - I can actually play these 'videos' in my head). I hope my brain vcr is working on exam day LOLOL!

If you say "JUMP" I see - in my mind's eye - a little girl jumping on a mini-trampoline in her back garden. She is wearing a yellow t-shirt and cream trousers. She has blonde hair. It is a sunny day. I first see this - THEN I jump!! That is just how truly visual I am. But is this a good brain to take into an exam???

I feel somewhat less confident about the Pharmacology question... again, that feels like lots of little bits to rein in and memorise. Not my strongest skill.

*** BUT*** Pharmacology is MUCH easier to apply to mental health branch than cardiovascular!!! So which should I choose? The one I'm really good at, but not fully able to pin it down to a psych setting, or the question that so easily applies to a psych setting, but I feel rather shaky about....

Is there life after this exam??????????

PS: I'm having to upload a little image here - so that Facebook has a decent thumbnail to pick up...

Deep in Revision blurrrgghhh!!!!

OMFG I just realised I have done *TWELVE HOURS* solid revision today.

Can't be good. I am gonna be really firm and have a *COMPLETE* day away from it tomorrow.

The other day my hubby came and pointed out I'd done.... you'll never believe it.... fourteen hours.

Thing is, I'm that scared of failing - I'm finding it hard to let go the reins, even for a few hours. But I have to - I've been feeling a bit under the weather coz I've got to have my gallbladder removed soon - it's quite painful now - I've been having twinges for - it has to be around 10 years! Long overdue, but a few weeks ago it became too painful to ignore LOL. I'm hoping to slot the op into holiday time from uni (we've got 2 weeks off in July/Aug, then nothing off until December!) We're all going out on 15 May, so I intend to give the old gallbladder a jolly good send off .... mmmmmmmmmmmmbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!!

And it's not like I haven't been working hard all year; I have: bloody hard. I started my two big essays on Boxing Day, and thank goodness - I had them finished a month ago, leaving me clear for revision.

The exam isn't till 15 June. Plenty of time to build in some relaxation time - so I've gotta force myself to let go. I'm getting a phobia of failing!

Anyway - having looked hard at past exam papers, I'm a little nearer to deciding which questions topics to opt for, probably:

Adult Branch:
Skin & Pressure Sores
Microbiology & Prevention of Infection

Mental Health Branch:
Pharmacology (I feel like I've experienced a few of these sort of situations both on placement and in my nursing auxilliary work... so that strengthens my idea of what to do when the going gets tough).

Anyway... off to bed now ~ nite x

Motoring Along

Things are motoring along - literally, I hope: I had my car back today. I feel like spraying a few of my own 'designs' on any detachable bodywork to discourage thieves.... actually that would be cool :)

I started revising last night for NH1057. For the adult branch bit I'm doing:

Skin and Pressure Sores
Respiratory System and Vital Signs

For the mental health branch one, I haven't fully decided between:

Cardiovascular System and Vital Signs
Pharmacology

... as we don't have the pharmacology lecture & skills lab session till next Monday.

I wonder how they'll work it in skills lab - it says injection technique. Will we be injecting oranges? I've done insulin injections on placement - they are subcutaneous and probably easier than intramuscular injections, which I haven't had chance to do yet. By the sounds of things, you have to be quite assertive for IM injections, as you have to get through alot more tissue - a process which hurts if you take too long. I'd rather not stick needles in people - glad I'm on mental health branch: so far I've only seen subcut injections for insulin - I don't mind doing them as patients say they aren't too painful.

If I can develop a good technique in IM injections which cause as little pain as possible, I'll feel ok about that too. I will work at this, as on some psychiatric wards, people have 'depot' injections, which are oil-based, slow release drugs, and they are IM injections. I will do what I always do, make my mind up to learn to do it well.

We shall see....

I've been... ROBBED!!!

I can hardly believe it! I came down this morning to find the entire front part of my CAR removed! The farings, bumper, number plate, radiator grill... everything stolen during the night.

I feel really creepy about this... they must have been absolutely SILENT as the dog didn't wake up.

This feels horrible.

I've lost some no claims bonus with my insurers because, they say "we have no other side to claim from". The police can't spare the resources to investigate it, and that - at least - I agree with, because people getting assaulted is more important.

But... I just feel really creepy and horrible.... and CROSS!

Stuff....

My lovely stepdaughter got married on 21 March, and we all went up to a posh hotel in Brigg (near Scunthorpe) for the weekend. I've never been anywhere like it - it was so great! She was a truly beautiful bride. There are photos in my Facebook. Seriously, it was a really moving day, and me and her dad - we can scarce think about it without a tear in our eyes.

Back home, we're meant to be having new central heating put in this week, but 5 mins before they were due to come, I got a call saying maybe tomorrow... which is kinda good, as I woke up this morning and realised I have piled up all our worldly positions in front of the stopcock.

Only 10 shifts left now on this placement, then back to Uni - and the promise (or threat!) of a looming exam and the big essays due in. Having left everything till the last moment when I did my last degree - and got a lovely '3rd', I made up my mind when I started this course to keep ahead with the work. It hasn't been easy, but I have been working really, really hard since the start, and I'm glad now as I feel much better and not fretting. I'm hoping to start on the exam revision in the next few weeks. You are given 6 topics to choose from, and you choose 3. Here are my choices:

1. Skin and Pressure Sores
2. Respiratory System and Vital Signs
3. Pharmacology (the question for this will be related to my mental health branch).

I think being on mental health placements, well I hope, will help with the Pharmacology (branch) question, as I've tried to get used to the different drug names, etc, side effects, dosages... it's so much easier to learn stuff when you are actually DOING it, rather than just reading about it.

Dad

Happy Birthday Dad.

General Placements

Is anyone else on the Mental Health Branch starting to wonder where their general placements are gonna be??? Oooooerrrr!!!

Caution: Contains "exam" word. Do not read.

I'm determined to get a complete draft of my 'Holistic' essay done by the end of this week. This is the essay where you do a case study on a patient from your placement. I've got a skeleton of the essay together, but it really is a bag of bones in places (!)

Looking at the next lot of paperwork for placement 2 (starts on 23 Feb), I think it's asking deeper questions, especially about assessment - being observant, etc. Will have to knuckle down to that lot probably in my first week of placement. I do not like leaving things till the last minute.

Other thing I'm wondering, question 3 in our NH1057 exam, it's meant to be "branch specific"... but we'll only have done the common foundation year - so how do we answer branchy type questions? Is it gonna be guesswork, or based on what we've gleaned on placement? Or are they looking for more specific stuff?

For example, I'm mental health branch. The branch question I would do is Cardiovascular System & Vital Signs. Now I know that some psych meds can lower blood pressure, but how would you write a whole exam answer branch-specifically? We haven't had any *branch teaching* yet?!!

Stuff to think about....

Anyway, good luck everyone on our next placements - starting 23 Feb!!! I've got a local nursing home, which I am very pleased about. I went for a pre-placement visit last week and everyone seemed really, really friendly. Lots of learning opportunities too!

Placement 2 !!

I had a great pre-placement visit today. I'm pleased it's another elderly placement.

Everyone was very friendly and I got to have a little look around. They said I will be able to learn alot there, which is good, so yep... pleased as punch with all this :D

One more uni day left (tomorrow), then a week off (hurray) then placement!!

Whistlestop Post!

Been an interesting morning.... the.... inter... gum... ermmm... SKIN (!)

Then asepsis - which was useful, and was able to relate it to stuff from my placement.

Anyway, only 3 weeks to go before our second placement - we're all itchin to get back out there!

2009

Hope everyone has a bright, fresh new year, with lots of opportunities and at least a few of their dreams coming true.

Estelle x x x

What are your plans post-reg?

Me? In the future - HOPING I have qualified as a nurse (!) I'm going to move me and my hubby down to Somerset, probably around the Cheddar/Axbridge area - we love it there so much. Hubby really needs to retire, so as long as I pass the course, register, and can work as a nurse, all this should work out ok. I've always wanted to live near the seaside, as I love swimming in the sea. Yeh, I know it's cold, but you get used to it, and it's the place I feel the most free..... just me and this big, beautiful planet.

Happy, sad, busy, reflective.....

I've had a lovely first placement. My mentor has been great - filling me with confidence for the future, it has been a real privilege to work with her on this ward.

I also feel fairly low at times because it's just one year since I lost my dad. Sometimes I don't sleep too well, due to being quite tearful at times. But this is part of how we travail when someone dies.

Some days I feel fine, and other days I hurt very badly.

I am keeping busy. I have just 5 shifts left on placement, and I want to make the most of it! I've also made a VERY tentative start on my big essay (for 'holistic' module). Trouble is, my introduction should be 800 words - but I have closer 1200 words, and still have quotes and epidemiologywology stuff to insert! Clearly I'm going into too much detail. When we were first told the whole thing should be 3500 words, I was a bit nervous about it - although that SOUNDS like alot, having written academic essays in the past, I know that 3500 is NOT alot, and my word limits when I did my first degree were always 5000 - I used to struggle EVEN THEN to stay within the limit..... I guess this highlights that I may have a problem with relevancy when writing: something I never did conquer at uni last time. I am determined to get it right this time.

Something key I have picked up from this placement - you can learn from everyone, not just nurses and mentors! You can learn loads from nursing auxilliaries - they can show you lots of useful tips, and I also learnt from domestic staff useful things - eg, what spray cleaner to use for what spills. This is important for infection control. I have made sure on my placement never to be too proud or shy to ask! One of the MOST useful things I have learnt came from domestic staff:

Always carry a pair of gloves in your pocket, as you may not have time to run and fetch a pair!!

That little gem has come in useful every single day on the ward!

I've had some laughs and some little frights too! One little fright I had was that I had given around 4 or 5 insulin injections, supervised of course, to a diabetic gentleman, over the course of a few days (obviously duh)... and had never seen a single drop of blood at the injection site. So I assumed that insulin injections never bleed..... Imagine my face when I did an injection and a drop of blood came slowly out! I kept calm and quietly asked my mentor "Why is it bleeding?" Inside I was SCREAMING! I was convinced I'd hit some kind of vital artery or organ.... but she was great and she reassured me that sometimes there is a little drop of blood. I breathed a sigh of relief! This tale probably sounds dumb to people have done thousands of insulin injections - but when it's your first few injections - it's a different story!

I'm also starting to have a few of my own little preferences about things - such as - I don't like to use latex gloves to give insulin injections: I find them slippery and the area of skin I have pinched up slowly slips back out of my fingers. Therefore I always use blue nitrile gloves instead.

It's funny - 8 weeks ago nothing of the sort would have entered my head; but they said we would change and grow. And we are. I love being a student nurse, and I know I am going to love being a nurse!

Well...... I have just remembered I have a bottle of Malibu in the fridge - so I'm signing off.

Everything going really well!

I can't believe my placement is now in the last couple of weeks! It's been terrific. I've been on a elderly inpatient psychiatric ward. The staff are lovely, the ward is clean and warm and friendly. I've learnt so much from the patients and staff - and I mean ALL the staff - not just nurses, but nursing auxilliaries and domestic staff too. They all have more experience than me, and we've had lots of chances to share knowledge from them... it all helps. I made sure I sought out other parts of the multidisciplinary team and I spent times with occupational therapy on activities with patients, I had a day with the physiotherapy team, the day centre where people come in from the community. We did a little christmas party thingy where me and another nurse played guitars (lol I was crap!) but the main thing is rollin up your sleeves and getting involved!! I had a really interesting day with the memory clinic team. I'm doing at least one insulin injection every shift... giving your first injection is a bit scary... but you keep yourself calm and concentrate, pay attention to what you are doing and listen to your mentor's advice and teaching - and it's ok.

I now have a few nightshifts to do, which I asked for (nights are optional in the 1st year of this course)... shadowing Sister with her emergency response 'bleep' thingy. Should be exciting!

I got all my performance criteria done and folder of supplementary evidence - I finished that lot a fortnight ago, but I was holding fire on the drugs calculations bit - man I was VERY worried about cocking that up. I knew in my head what the answers were, but I just couldn't get them down on paper. Anyway, I worked through slowly and carefully, and I got there (a bit untidily, but still). Yesterday late shift, my mentor (who is BRILLIANT!) supervised me preparing the people's medication for the first time. Once again, I just took my time, slowly, carefully and concentrating... and it was ok! I didn't make any mistakes.

What a relief!!

I don't want to come off placement, I've had such a marvellous time... but 2nd week in Jan I'll be back at uni again... I wonder where my next placement will be?!?!!

Reflections x 2

I don't know properly how to write a formal "reflection", but I want to say how I felt about these two things :)

1. Open Day at Uni last Saturday

The call went out for volunteers from us student nurses, to attend an open day at uni, in uniform, to help chat to prospective students who were thinking of applying to our uni to do nursing. My hand went up straight away, because it was the warmth and encouragement I felt on the open day I went to, that made the decision for me which unconditional offer to accept.

Beforehand, I wondered a little bit, what I would say on the day, but I thought well, at least I can be encouraging, and we were advised to "just be honest".

There were a few of us, and we were chatting afterwards about our day. We all enjoyed it very much. It was interesting - we'd all felt a little bit nervous, but the words just came to us, talking to people about the course, placements, how we felt, what things had helped us, etc. All this confidence seemed to come from out of the blue! We remembered, how in our first week of the course, we were told we would change and grow. We feel like in some small way, we have begun to grow and develop. It's a jolly good feeling!

2. I just got back from my pre-placement visit (1st ever placement)

I just had a really warm welcome on the ward where I'll be doing my first placement.

First impressions were friendly, approachable, spotlessly clean and well organised. It was really good to see two student nurses already there, and I think this will be a good start to my learning experience. Everyone I met seemed pleased that I'd come - from the psychologist on the ward, to the ward manager, to the nursing auxillaries, and also the people cleaning said hello to me and introduced themselves and asked my name.

How nice is that! I can't wait for next week now. I had a proper little guided tour of the ward and everything. I feel really privileged to meet all these people and I'm going to work really, really hard to get as much as I possibly can from my time at this ward.

Last few posts before 1st placement!

We'll we are really settled in to the course now. In fact for our group, we're out on our first placements on 17 Nov! Our first few weeks have gone very quickly, and we can find out on Friday where exactly our first placements will be.

I'm pretty sure they wont send me to the ward where dad died last Christmas. That would be a bit much for anyone I think.

I have made up my mind to make the very most of wherever I am sent. I will ask questions, and keep in mind what everyone says about "you get out what you put in". It has to be true, and I am so keen.

I find the volume of paperwork to be completed daunting in the extreme! I really do! But we're all in the same boat and, I guess I'm no better or worse than anyone else - it must be achievable. So I'm just going to take each bit at a time, and keep pushing ahead.

I feel so lucky to have made some really great mates on the course, and it all helps. I love how we are encouraging each other, upbuilding each other's foundations for the future.

Nye Bevan: Founder of our NHS

I feel really moved by the story of this man. He epitomises everything I hold dear.

Feeling really encouraged!

Despite that we've all got a horrible head cold.... I'm feeling dead cheerful!

We had our CPR and Moving & Handling practicals last week and we all got 2 nice certificates for our Portfolios. Feels like we've really started properly now.

Moving & Handling day was my "worst day" of this head cold - every time I moved my head I thought I'd topple over LOL.

I also MUST start bending and lifting properly - ie, not with my back bent - but bending my knees and using my thigh muscles to lift with.

OK, I don't have the back of a teenager any more, partly my own fault - but partly because when I started doing carework there was no moving and handling training. If someone needed the toilet urgently and you were the only care asst there, you got on with your job and lifted, even if it hurt. THANK GOODNESS IT ISN'T LIKE THAT NOWADAYS!!

But I do have a jolly good pair of sturdy, strong legs - and I can learn to use them!

There are also glide sheets to help you, and the idea is if you can avoid the lift, avoid it! Sometimes if you just ask or gesture, the patient can help you, even just a little - and that's one less lift for you. You can reduce the lift by using various aids, and you can mechanise the lift by using hoists, etc. It's so much better these days. The plan is, I think, that if they have good nurses they don't want to lose them due to back injuries. Fair point!

Having a gr8 time

Well, we're about halfway through our 3 week induction. It's been really interesting and helpful. We had Unison come to talk to us yesterday and we were given free stethoscopes if we joined, which we all did.

Of course we spent the evening messing about with our stethoscopes - chasing the dog, husbands, etc.... it's actually not very easy to use - have to be honest there. And in fact, nurses mostly take electronic obs on the wards now, as this is much better. But still, it's been a laugh.

We had the Royal College of Nursing come to talk to us this morning. I didn't realise they are a union as well. And much more! They have a massive elibrary too, so I joined them. Both have dead cheap student rates.

We've been told we'll be going out on placement in about 5 or 6 weeks! I'm dead excited, really want to get started now.

We had a super lecture yesterday from various "third sector" placement people. Third Sector is places like prisons, hospices, secure units, etc, where healthcare is delivered. I must say, I would be very pleased to do a placement in a prison. It sounded very intersting indeed. Like the woman said, those people deserve just as good healthcare as anyone else. It would be a privilege to help, I think.

If, like me, you've worked as a healthcare assistant in a place, they say they will try not to place you there, as you might end up shoved into that role again, and not end up learning as much as you could. Good they are thinking of this.

It's an exciting time! Lots to look forward too!

Uniforms

Ok, when you collected your uniforms, were they starched to bloody hell?

I tried mine on when I got home, and they were stiff with starch, I was like ROBOT NURSE haha!

I washed them and used loads of softener; when I ironed them this morning they were lovely and easy to iron.

Goodo.

Freshers' Week!

Freshers' Week has been going well. Because you knew what was on before hand you could cherrypick what suited you best. I went to a little seminar this afternoon for mature students, and this was very good indeed. Some people have had their actual course inductions, but others, like me, haven't - and I'd been thinking - I wish I could meet people I'll be studying with, but now I know lots of people are in the same boat, so that's ok.

I got lots of free goodies yesterday at the Freshers' Fair - including a bag of groceries (!) No, I didn't pick up someone's shopping by mistake.... LOL I got a large jar of coffee, 100 teabags, BIG bar of Galaxy.... long gone *_* anyway it was all really invigorating and encouraging.

My course starts properly on Monday.

I guess my real fear is, and I'm being really honest here, opening my mouth and saying something really out-of-touch, and my classmates just fall silent... like "settle down grandma"....

But I have to feel ok, because I know that there will be around 50% of ppl on my course are mature students.... so there'll be some camaraderie (sp) and I think things will gel nicely.

NOW it's real!!!

Today I registered, I got my student ID and collected my uniforms from the hospital 'sewing room'.

I tried on my uniforms and it says on them "Student Nurse".... and I thought wow, that applies to me!

The campus is really nice and I've had a look around the IT facilities - which seem really good.

Freshers Week kicks off in earnest tomorrow. Should be a great week!

Enrolled at Last!!

Woo HoooOO!! Yesterday I finally managed to enrol online, and register for IT facilities, etc.

Got my start date 22 Sept.

Freshers Week looks good too, the programme has arrived - I intend to get absolutely as much out of university as I can this time around!

Went to PCWorld on Saturday to buy a printer/copier/scanner combo. Found a really brilliant one, just what I need for £79.99.

I asked for it, and the assistant said oh sorry, we don't have any in stock, but Currys (same company as PCWorld) just over the road has 3 in stock, go there. It'll be the same price.

Anyhoo - when we got to Currys they did indeed have the printer in stock, for £59.99!!!

So I save £20 quid rofl!

Soon!

Well, it'll soon be time to enrol at Uni. I don't have a start date yet, but I'm getting, like, MEGA excited. I guess there'll be more to say about the course after I've started (duh) hehe.

Hoping to have got the money together to buy a half-decent printer before the course starts, and having a birthday at the end of August will help (prezzy money LOL).

Yep, so all looking quite promising!

Back Online!!!

Back online with BT! Hurray!

Hope!

It's looking like I'll be back online at home (hence, blogging & facebooking properly) sometime over the next week. I'm having BT Broadband. I know it's a tad more pricey, but at least it's reliable! Sky have been phoning me constantly to apologise. I have a stock answer "You're too late".

One of the problems with Sky is the attitude when you do finally (it can take an hour!) manage to get through to someone. Yesterday, my mother took a phone call on the landline from Sky. Now, all along I have expressly forbade them to call on the landline during the day, they have had my mobile number from the start of all this! When mum told the bloke that I wasn't home, he became angry and was really bolshy with mum.

It would be risable if it wasn't so bloody aggravating!

A nice thing

The other day, I was at a summer fete, and I happened to see someone who I had worked with, who had been very depressed and unhappy...

I only saw her in the distance, but she looked really bright, chatting with a friend, and alot happier than she had done when I last saw her.

I had absolutely nothing to do with her recovery, I know that... but it felt really, really good to see someone feeling better and participating in life again.

It doesn't matter if you were part of their recovery process or not, it is still mega encouraging to see someone healing.

Here is Lucy!

Kitten!!!!

OMG I am the beaming new mum of the most gorgeous kitten.... ever!!!

She is a little rescue girl, and I've called her Lucy. She's tortie & white.

She's a little darling, and hasn't stopped cuddling and purring since she arrived.

I feel so blessed to have her; I feel like she chose us!

As soon as the camera flash won't upset her, I'll be putting photos on here, so watch this space!

Easy Peasy!

I just finished filling in the Bursary Form. Whether it's because it's the non-means tested bursary I don't know, but it's actually a really easy form to fill in. It's 8 pages, of which only 5 or 6 applied to me. It didn't take long.

If you have a bursary to apply for, don't leave it till the last minute - get it done, because it's not difficult or complicated at all. (Unlike most things LOL!)

I am thinking of sending it by Special Delivery. Dunno. What do you think?

Bursary!

I've had my letter from the NHS today, saying I've to apply for my Bursary. I have to go to their website and get the form from there! This is all starting to actually FEEL REAL now! I've got a month to get the form sent in, but I'm going to get cracking straight away.

The Bridge.

Over the last 12 months, my life has changed almost 100% entirely. And I have had to change with it! I've probably done ok, but some days I do feel a bit out of it. Hope ppl don't mind.

I have learnt a lesson this last couple of weeks. Before, I never understood the significance of "anniversaries" for bereaved people. I just couldn't grasp why one day of grieving would feel any different from another. For that I am sorry. Dad died at Christmas, and then his Birthday was 11 March. That was a hard day I can tell you. Then my beloved little dog died on 29 March. That knocked me for six. Next came Father's Day, which for the week leading up to it, and the day itself, I can honestly say it felt as though he had died again.

Metaphorical moment: I spent all last week trying to 'swim' against a strong 'tide' of mourning. By Friday I could fight the current no more and I had to give in, go with the current and hope it would not sweep me away entirely; it didn't, but I did the right thing in letting go.

I think sometimes if we fight our mourning, grief can turn to anger. My favourite poet is Dylan Thomas, and my favourite of his poems has always been: Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night. I have come close to raging against my grief a few times, but I realise now, that one cannot heal from anger: rage can only become exhausted, tired of itself. That is not healing. One can only heal from grief. Mourn I must, but mourning must not define me.

I pray that all this will give me a greater compassion, deeper empathy. Now I must try to leave this bridge between mourning and healing. I want to try very hard to feel lighter and brighter.

I have started writing reflectively about my HCA shifts at the psychiatric hospital where I work. This may help me prepare for my Nursing course, as I believe reflection is a key element of learning on the course. I'm guessing it may involve looking at situations from various different perspectives: your own, the patient, your colleagues, other professionals, relatives, etc. Already I'm beginning to see how things can appear very different if you are the patient, and that some decisions which seem obvious at first, when you think about it maybe weren't so good after all. Jotting down your experiences in this 'reflective' way, you can see straight away, that often there is no right/wrong answer to problems that come up. Often, there are only best good and least harm answers.

All very interesting.

Firsts

First Father's Day without my dad. I'm keeping myself busy - what more can you do. There are many hurdles to surmount when a loved one has died.

It makes me think how much worse bereavement must be for people who already have mental health problems. I hope this is something covered in my course, as bereavment casts a shadow over everyone at some point.

Woo HoooooOOOO!!!

I have just fitted COMFORTABLY into my leather jeans!! I bought them 8 years ago and I have never been able to wear them! I'm mega pleased because, I think in the last few years I have been dressing a bit beyond my years. I've decided to put a STOP to that. My husband says I must ask for special permission to wear the leathers when I'm duty at the hospital (!) LOL

Reflection

I've decided I'm actually very lucky to have the opportunity to work as a HCA on an inpatient psychiatric ward. This is a real opportunity for me to gain experience, and I have begun, after each shift, to write a few lines of 'reflection' about the shift.

I work through the shift in my mind, first from my perspective, then I try to see things from the patients' perspectives, then colleagues. I think this is something I will be required to do when I start my course, so it'll be good if I can cultivate my critical and reflective thinking skills in the meantime.

I only had the idea to do this today, so I've spent the evening backtracking about my previous shifts. It is surprising the details that came back to me! I can see things I feel I did well, and also times when I needed to ask for help or explanations, and obviously I want to think carefully about areas for improvement.

I believe part of the Mental Health Branch of nursing will have some kind of 'self awareness' module. Therefore I have been thinking about how I felt at various times during my shift. For example, when I felt threatened because a huge bloke came shouting towards me, what was my response? Well, first I walked around the dining table so that I was nearest the door, and I did not feel anxious. I did keep calm, which was good. Being a bank staff, who pops up when needed, it's hard to get to know the patients, and what could have caused that man to become upset and angry. Therefore I have to take each minute as it comes, I have learnt that people can be very unpredictable! I have also had some vey touching moments, eg, where a very poorly lady said to me "please come and sit with me".

When somebody says that, you realise you are in exactly the right place.

I have also been thinking about the times when, through simple lack of experience in mental health, has meant I didn't know what to say next. For example, I knew that psychoactive drugs probably didn't work as well as they are supposed to. What medicine does!? I also knew that, as with all medicines, they probably have horrendous side effects.

But when a very depressed person says "I'm taking my tablets but they don't help..." What do you say then? How can I reply? This is just the sort of thing I hope to gain experience with, both in my HCA work and when I start Uni.

Another place where I feel quite deeply for people is when their family visit. You can see how much they want their... daughter, sister, husband, wife... to be well again and to be happy. You want very much to be able to help.

Well, this is where I'm "at" at the moment. It's a good place to be, as I feel like a sponge - absorbing lots of information and getting as much experience as possible.

Saturday Night 'Ramble'

Well, tomorrow I'm going to tackle some more of the Nursing Calculations book. I did the 'diagnostic test', and it wasn't so bad. I would encourage anyone - you'll remember more than you thought!

The 'common sense' ones I did very well with. The more abstract ones, well, I can refresh my mind on this easily, as the book contains the 'exercises' I need for each specific area of weakness.

So I'll be doing maths tomorrow! Also I want to try to finish the cell structure illustrations in my Anatomy Coloring Book. You need a very steady hand for shading in these tiny structures (eg, oligodendrocytes and microfilaments). I was never much good at drawing, so I'm not rushing, the less I rush, the better I do.

This is all very confidence building. I've worked in law firms for so long, you kind of get absorbed, assimilated, into that world, and while I did take a break and do some work in sort of an occupational therapy/support work role, it still takes some trepidation at 36 to finally march out towards the career you know you should have chosen 20 years ago!

I really enjoyed my break from law firms, and I never really have been able to get back into the rhythm of it, which is why I'm SO glad I'm finally making my dream of nursing happen.

I worked with people who had severe learning and sensory disabilities. We enabled them to enjoy various activities, such as horse riding, swimming, rambling, etc. It was an absolute JOY. Sadly, because I was the only driver who worked at the home (there were only 5 residents and not many staff), all the driving fell to me. I had a few situations where I'd worked a late shift, been on a 'sleep-in' - but had to drive a resident to hospital during the night, spend all night at A&E, then do an early shift - which invariably involved driving.

One time, I'd been at the hospital all night with a lady who had a VP shunt and was suffering severe nausea. I had to organise a day staff to relieve me at the hospital, then I had to return to the house, collect another lady, and drive her down to London so she could visit her family. I felt it was unsafe for anyone to have to drive all that way having not slept the night before. All they could say was that they were trying to recruit more drivers... What started as a wonderful, enabling support work job, had turned into a job where I spent much of my time behind the wheel of a minibus (with a dodgy clutch!) Also, my job included administering prescription medication - and that is a VERY bad idea if you haven't slept! So at the time, I felt it was best to leave and return to legal secretarial work - although I knew it would be 'for the time being'.

I'm really looking forward to starting University. I already have a degree, but only a 3rd. I did 2 years up at Stoke (Staffordshire Uni), then I did a credit transfer to the Open University and it took me a long, lonnng time to graduate (finally graduated in 2000). The first 2 years, I travelled from Tamworth to Stoke and back each day (I was timetabled at Uni about 3 or 4 days a week). But I also joined a care assistant agency, and I was putting in around 2 nightshifts a week, to make ends meet. Nobody can ever say I'm workshy(!) It really knocked the stuffing out of me, those 2 years. I got physically run down and I ended up with quite bad pleurisy.

But I got through and I was ok! I tend to 'get things' when I work too hard, and I tend to work too hard without realising it. The next time this happened was when I had some bullying at work a few years ago, and I ended up having shingles in a horrid, burning line down the edge of my shoulder blade.

But I'm a tough cookie! The more things I overcome, the more things I know I can overcome... and now I EXPECT to overcome things. I think there's a self-fulfilling prophecy thingy there - if you have faith in your strength - you become stronger.

The next hurdle will be Father's Day - just a week to go now. My dear dad died at Christmas last year. I feel like I lost my very best friend. His Birthday 11 March was a big, hurting, struggle. I'm feeling actually afraid of 13 June.

I had bought him a Father's Day card and everything - I saw a nice card in the shops sometime last summer, and kept it. I didn't know I'd never be able to give it to him.

But I have to keep these feelings for the quiet times, when I'm alone. I must be strong for my mother. I'm blessed with a good husband (we've been married 17 years) and he is very helpful. He is so kind to me.

I've come to realise, very powerfully, since I lost my dad, that the pain you feel when someone dies is the price of love. It is part of loving someone. If you didn't feel this then it would be a different sort of love, a love that wasn't whole. If you love someone, you are accepting that person in totality - in the entirety of their humanity, and humanity is capable of dying. I haven't reached the end of my train of thought here - I think it's part of my own little 'healing process'. But I know that if you loved someone, then you must grieve when they die. It is part of your job as the one that loved them.

So, yes I do feel sad, but I do still feel strong and full of hope. I rarely ramble in blogs like this, but sometimes its 'good to talk'.

It's Official!

I've got my NHS id badgy thing, with the HORRIBLE picture they took at my induction (remember I was dead poorly that day, and I LOOK it!)

And I've had my first NHS payslip.... 'mufti allowance' - wozzat??

So anyhoo, I guess I'm now a proper NHS employee!

Back to work today.

Got off to a slightly wobbly start this morning, but made it to my desk in one piece! Felt very much better for being with my workpals and got lots done too!

Been chillin this evening....................

An earful.

I finally had my induction to the PCT Bank on Tuesday. It was a really interesting and useful day. I would have enjoyed it, had I not been feeling ILL!

I had one of those ear infections that makes you really dizzy and feel sick when you move your head. I found as long as I kept my head down I managed to stop myself wobbling. When I spoke, it sounded a million miles away (adding to the disorientation), and to be honest, the whole thing is entirely unpleasant and majorly embarrassing.

I've had a few of these episodes. Strangely enough - I never had a single ear infection as a child. I've only had them as an adult. I know when good old terra firma starts to tilt from under my feet, that I'm in for trouble for a few days.

Anyway, I spent yesterday in bed. I tried to get up, nearly drowned in the bath LOL, then gave up and skulked back under the duvet.

I'm loads better today, just the occasional wobble. I'll be back at work tomorrow (my typing job, as I think I'll need a few more days before I'm up to HCA).

This morning, I managed to muster to the courage to open my Nursing Calculations book. It's not so monstrous as I expected. First, there's a little diagnostic test to be done, to determine what areas I have forgotten in the 20 years since I left school (!) Then you have to work through various exercises where the test has identified a weakness. All seems very sensible, and the test isn't long either.

I'll probably try it later. Will let you know how I get one!

Books!

Because I've been excited about starting Uni, I've bought a few books over the last couple of months (these weren't off any reading list, I just got them by surfing Amazon and reading other student nurses' Amazon feedbacks):

1. The Student Nurse Handbook by Bethann Siviter. Really great book. ISBN: 0702027308
2. Nursing Calculations 7th Edition. Gatford & Phillips. Scary! Probably will be useful but too scared to open it! ISBN: 0443102880
3. Bailliere's Nurses' Dictionary 24th Edition. Seems really good, also very easy to understand. Very pleased with this, and it's pocket sized too. ISBN: 0702027065
4. Pocket Prescriber 2007-8. Timothy Nicholson. Seems good for drug spellings and you can see common dosages. Also lists interactions, warnings, cautions, etc. Nice pocket sized. ISBN: 9780340939079
5. The Royal Marsden Hospital Manual of Clinical Nursing Procedures 6th Edition. Big, scary book, but everyone on Amazon seemed to recommend it. Once you open it you realise it's very readable and easy to understand. Explains everything in a simple, interesting way. ISBN: 140510161X
6. The Anatomy Coloring Book. 3rd Edition. Kapit & Elson. This book is MARVELLOUS!! ISBN: 0805350861

Why is the Anatomy Coloring Book so good?

Because I'm learning without realising it! There is a system you follow to do your 'coloring', so that things don't get complicatated. It starts off easy, with the planes of the body, frontol, sagittal, etc. Then it goes deeper into vessels, and even cells and you are systematically going through each bit of the body, colouring in the pictures (which are detailed). You have to REALLY think about what you are doing.

There are also paragraphs about each structure, from quite basic information, eg "Salivary glands secrete an enzyme-rich fluid into the mouth", to what I think is very clever stuff, eg "Distinctive concentric rings of keratinized epithelial cells (Hassal's corpuscles) are seen in the medulla..." and other stuff I can't spell. Oh yes, beware of American spellingz.

The book starts with easy instructions about the colouring system, and you'll need about 10 to 12 good colours. I bought pencils and a set of felts, but these didn't cost much.

Anyhoo, here's books I plan to buy:

1. The Physiology Coloring Book. Kapit, Macey & Meisami. ISBN: 0321036638
2. The Microbiology Coloring Book. Alcamo & Elsom. ISBN: 0060419253
3. The Handling of People 5th Edition. Ed. Jacqui Smith. ISBN: 0953058298

Hope some of this is useful x x x

First Post!

Having got myself on the PCT Bank Staff both for medical secretarial work, and Health Care Assistant ("HCA") work, I've been working my socks off! I also look after a lady with profound learning and physical disabilities at weekends. I visit her on Saturday and Sunday, twice each day, to get her up, washed, dressed and fed, then showered and in bed in the evenings!

I have to keep a diary to help me know where I have to be each day (!)

I'm spending about 3 days a week typing (medical secretary) at a local paediatric clinic. The girls there are so friendly! I've been very happy there for some time. I'm also really enjoying having carework shifts too! Variety is great!

I did my first PCT HCA Bank shift on Monday 19 May. It was on a geriatric rehab ward at a small, local hospital. I really enjoyed it. Obviously, it was hard work, especially when one poor lady had diarrhoea in the shower. It was really good to be back in carework having spent so long as a legal secretary. One of the things I like most about carework is listening to people's stories, just hearing what they have to say. It doesn't have to be an epic tale, it can just be the person saying what they did last week. One chap was telling me how he had 'never had a day's illness in his life', until 6 months ago, when he fell down the stairs backwards. He broke his spine (from what I could tell the break was probably somewhere around T1-T4). He told me how he was slowly coming to terms with things. He felt that his previous good health and fitnes levels were helping him. He showed me a device his physio gave him to measure respiratory strength. He inhales sharply through a tube and the object is to lift 3 ping-pong type balls up their tubes. He can lift all 3 balls up the tubes now, which is good, because a few months ago, he could only lift 1. I hope to see him again when my next bank shift comes along. I'd like to know how he's getting on.

As I was leaving, Sister told me I had done "brilliantly". I was so pleased as I always try to do my best when I am looking after people.

I've done 2 bank shifts at the local psychiatric hospital. There are around 25 inpatients. I did like it there, and I expect at least one of my University placements will be there. However, for a HCA the work consists almost entirely of pacing up and down the corridors, ticking boxes on "observation" forms, to say that the people seem ok. 99% is observation, making sure people aren't hurting themselves, or eachother, and just generally making sure people are ok. Some of the boxes have to be ticked evey 1 minutes, so you don't really get much chance to chat with the people. I think the job spec is very different from the nurse's job spec. I'm not sure what the nurses do, as you don't see them at all on your travels around the corridors.

(I say corridors, and you'll be picturing bleak, chipped paint, dark corridors of old fashioned 'mental hospitals'. It's not like that at all. The 'walls' are mostly windows, and corridors are punctuated with lovely sunny conservatories, with tellies and comfy little sofas. All this goes around a communal 'quad' area, where people can sit outside, chat, smoke, etc... And I have to say almost all the patients smoke).

Anyway, when I'm placed there as a student nurse, I'm hoping there will be more interpersonal stuff, rather than simply ticking boxes. Otherwise, when I'm qualified, I'll not be looking for hospital work. Mind you, community work has always appealled to me more. Probably, there'll be a good variety of different University placements (on the DipHe you are 50/50 classroom and placement, which is good). There'll be plenty of time for me to choose where and with whom I want to work later on... It's an exciting time!